Festa: palavra polissêmica tanto quanto é polissêmico o sorriso que esboço agora, murcha, voltando para casa, após vinte e seis anos. Esse sorriso permite muitas leituras. A que faço de mim mesma, olhando no reflexo dos vidros dos carros nesse lusco-fusco melancólico, é a de um sorriso cansado. Afinal, consegui escapar com vida e alguma sanidade de uma festa interminável. Interminável na acepção objetiva do termo: acreditem ou não, mas eu me encontrava há vinte e seis anos numa festa inacabável que, aliás, continua acontecendo. Lá tive meu primeiro e único filho, Demétrio, que ficou com o pai, Ancelmo, que eu já não suportava, até aparecer Cátia, que estava na festa há tanto tempo quanto a gente, mas que não víramos anteriormente. Ela é a nova companheira de Ancelmo. Demétrio tem doze anos, é canhoto e tem habilidade com números e jogos. Tive que deixá-lo com eles porque para mim não dava mais. Eu não aguentava mais Ancelmo, não aguentava mais a festa, porém lá não é fácil livrar-se de absolutamente nada. A eternidade, de certa forma, é inerente a tudo aquilo que compõe a festa: seus elementos e as relações que eles estabelecem entre si. A festa é um sistema fechado, sem aberturas ou trocas com seu entorno, e raramente alguém consegue entrar, sendo mais difícil ainda alguém conseguir sair. Pelo fato de tudo ser tão permanente na festa, se você contrai um matrimínio, ele será para sempre; se você faz uma inimizade, ela também o será. E é exatamente por isso que todo cuidado é pouco. Você sabe que não são tantos os convidados e que terá de permanecer ao lado deles para sempre e o “para sempre” é uma medida inescrutável, inalcançável e inassimilável. Mesmo não suportando mais o Ancelmo, não havia o que fazer, até o surgimento de Cátia, a quem devo muito.
Agora que deixei tudo pra trás, o que resta em meu rosto não é mais o sorriso, é apenas a estafa, aquela que se desprendeu da máscara contente que se fixara em mim por esses vintes e seis anos. Essa estafa agora permanece isolada em meu corpo e é ela quem me carrega para casa.
Quanto à festa, é o seguinte: você é obrigado a comer salgadinho e tomar refrigerante e bebida alcoólica diariamente, assim como é forçado a ouvir música alta o tempo inteiro. Você é obrigado a viver naquele mundo de luzes e cores artificiais sem pausa, e isso é até interessante um sábado ou dois, mas por vinte e seis anos não há quem agí¼ente. Eu estava enjoada de mim mesma e de todos os outros, mas não havia escolha.
Como fomos parar lá? Existem mil razões para alguém ir a uma festa e, na época, eu estava solteira, fui com uma amiga nem tão próxima que, por força das circunstâncias, teve de se tornar minha melhor amiga.
Houve uma oportunidade de sair da festa, quando Demétrio tinha dois anos de idade. Mas não tive coragem de abandoná-lo. A pressão da culpa e a de Ancelmo me fizeram continuar, malgrado todo meu cansaço. Mas, na nova oportunidade, Demétrio já não era tão pequeno. Não quis vir comigo e terá uma mulher que cuide dele, junto com o pai, que talvez goste mais de festas do que eu. Há quem não se canse de todo esse estardalhaço e Ancelmo deve se encaixar nessa categoria dos incansáveis. O que me consola é que sei que há poucas e breves oportunidades de sair da festa mas elas existem e virão. Tenho certeza de que um dia Demétrio se aperceberá de que há alguma outra coisa menos luminosa (mas não menos valiosa) em outra parte. Ele nasceu lá, não tem medida de comparação, mas terá curiosidade, mesmo que já seja um homem feito quando isso acontecer.
Agora o que preciso é de descanso. Se antes havia um sorriso e depois uma estafa desprendida do sorriso, agora meu semblante é puro borrão. Acredito que qualquer um que olhar para mim nesse instante não me reconhecerá, não reconhecerá sequer um rosto humano, verá esse borrão em que me tornei por inteira e cuja cor também não se pode definir. À o que sobra do ser humano que passou anos e mais anos encarcerado em uma alegria que teve de forjar para si e para os outros. Porque festa é assim, qualquer uma que seja: aquele ambiente em que você é instado a se movimentar espasmodicamente, em que há uma injunção tácita para que você não olhe bem aqueles que estão contigo, em que a luz deforma as intenções e as vontades, em que o ruído em excesso confunde os pensamentos, em que você deve ser interessante e rir e falar alto, e ainda gostar disso tudo, em que a intensidade conta ponto. Festa é aquele acontecimento em que as recordações ficarão sempre cunhadas na mente dos que estavam ébrios e dos que estavam sóbrios, e haverá tantas recordações quantos forem os presentes. Assim é qualquer festa. Mas isso não é mais pra mim. Preciso de um chuveiro e busco algum silêncio, que eu não sabia o que era há mais de vinte e seis anos.
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