O que é “grande estilo”? A médica me disse que poderia me despedir em “grande estilo”. O que é “grande estilo” quando você tem 79 anos, caga nas calças e não consegue andar mais do que a distância entre a geladeira e o sofá?
Pra ela é fácil falar. Ela está só esperando que eu morra. Da última vez, não me poupou e disse, sem rodeios, que declarou abortado o tratamento. Abortado. Ele não chegou nem a nascer, pelo visto. Que merda.
Merda. Tudo começou justamente com ela, com a frequência com que me assolava, com as dificuldades em dominá-la e não ela a mim. Dois meses depois, o diagnóstico. Seis meses depois, o aborto. Seis meses e um dia depois, a fúria e a pressa de se descobrir o que é “grande estilo”.
Minha primeira ideia foi entrar num carro e dirigir a mil por hora, estilo James Dean. Fazer no carro as curvas malfeitas que fiz na vida, escolher os caminhos mais curtos e mais feios, trilhar os asfaltos mais cinzentos até me esborrachar num muro que, de repente, apareça em minha frente. Nada diferente do que fiz ao longo da vida inteira.
Será que vivi em “grande estilo”? Será que “grande estilo é se preocupar tão pouco com o tempo a ponto de desperdiçá-lo até a última gota?
Conclui justamente o contrário, e decidi que “grande estilo” é deixar sua marca no mundo, substituir a vida física pela idolatria do nome, da lembrança. Pensei, então, em doar todos os meus bens para sanar a fome africana. Todos os meus bens incluem um Fiat Uno, um quarto e sala na Glória e uma televisão 29 polegadas, daquelas antigas, que tem um canudão gigante atrás da tela. Isso provavelmente bancaria um hambúrguer para as crianças de uma população miserável no meio das savanas, nada além disso. Mas este hambúrguer ficaria tatuado no coração daquela meia dúzia de crianças. Talvez seus filhos sejam batizados em minha homenagem. Talvez uma rua receba meu nome. Talvez eu esteja delirando. Talvez isto seja impossível.
Abandonado o talvez, voltei a incentivar meu egoísmo e pensar em emoções que sempre quis viver. Meu enfermeiro, Jonas, me sugeriu pular de pára-quedas. Dessa eu gostei. Imaginei a cena de um velho, à beira da morte, sem controlar as próprias pregas, pulando de um helicóptero e castigando um bom pedaço do Rio com uma chuva de merda. Devolvendo a todos aquilo que sempre me desejaram ao longo da vida. Rumando ao inferno com o gosto agridoce de uma vendetta visceral. Ninguém, além de mim, saberia o culpado ou os motivos. Não vi muita graça nessa vingança anínima e infrutífera. Não sei mais se meu enfermeiro é um bom ser humano.
O pior de tudo é que a médica me tirou a tranquilidade até de morrer. Porra, qual o problema em morrer de qualquer jeito, sem despedidas, sem “grande estilo”? Por que ninguém nunca disse pra viver em “grande estilo”? Pra que me apressar agora, me cobrar algo que, de tão atrasado, já venceu sem que ninguém lembrasse?
Esse último pensamento me assustou. Lembrou aqueles ensaísmos chatos, aqueles filmes que sempre odiei, com um final piegas e moralista, com uma liçãozinha estúpida de quem se julga melhor do que o outro. Não sou assim. Isso não é “grande estilo”. Não é assim que vou me despedir do mundo, infiel a mim mesmo. Decidi.
“Jonas, me passe pro carro. Vou dirigindo até Santos”.
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